How to Grow With Your Partner In Big Projects
My husband and I have two large projects under our belt. We remodeled a home, taking it down to the studs and rebuilding all the interior, and now have built our current home from the ground up. All the while, we heard "if you can make it through this, you can make it through anything," and "we couldn't even take off the wallpaper without fighting."
This led me to consider how we were able to work together so effectively. So, here are five skills to master to grow in partnership.
5. Build your mental framework first
Set an agreed upon scope, goals, budget and timeline. Any well-executed project needs a framework around these four things. Admittedly, in our remodeling project, we didn't do the best at the scope part, and it caused some panic for me at one point. When we starting taking off all the dry wall, but I thought we were leaving it, it opened up a world of unanticipated tasks. We discussed things deeply though and got back on track. For our house project, we were clearer on these things.
Write down clear details, so you don't rush your partner or be concerned about the finances if you're still within your agreed-upon framework. It's also highly necessary to make sure you're both wanting the same thing - a 600 sqft house is a very different vision than a 2,000 sqft house!
4. Share concerns, no matter how small
Several times, one of us would approach the other with concerns about something in the design or with our mental framework. Things come up; lumber becomes more expensive, or finally seeing how something is going to look, may result in a different feeling than envisioned. It is so important to trust your partner enough to approach them with concerns. And, make a space comfortable for your partner to do the same. Don't let the placement of a shelf be an ever-present reminder of something the two of you could have worked through together.
3. Accept that there will be difficulties
This may be hard to hear, but no matter how well your mental framework is, no matter how well you work together, there will be low-moments. You will get tired. You will take an unhelpful tone. Forgive yourself for these moments, and forgive your partner for the moments they will inevitably have as well. Take time away and express why you're in this place, and know that if you talk through it, there is calm on the other side.
2. Easy to Say, Hard to Do - Communication
Many of the aforementioned points fall into this, but I can't stress it enough. "Where are we going with this sheet of dry wall?" "What do I need to complete this job with you?" "Can I help you with this?" "You seem distraught, is something on your mind?"
But also, "I can't figure this out." "I need help." "If you work on that, I'll work on this."
Communicating (which involves truly listening!) is necessary for the day-to-day tasks as well as the big picture. Talk often; talk deeply.
1. Realize non-helpful tendencies that you have
Perhaps an unexpected one, but knowing what type of person you are and negative patterns you express is infinitely helpful when working together. For example, I'm a driver. I love to get things done and anything that prevents me from getting something done, say perhaps a necessary change in plans, can make me obstinate and short. Knowing this, when faced with such a situation, I could step back and realize I'm expressing that non-best version of myself. Taking time away, I was able to ask more questions and realign with the new plan without strife. Realize that your partner will also have some challenge. Be patient with them and with yourself, and again...communicate!
I hope these skills will ease tensions that you and your partner may have for upcoming projects. And I wish you well on your journey through those moments together.